Near Taste Of Death

Journal 5: Near Taste of Death

This quote from Shakespeare reminds me that I have a unknown time to live, I shouldn’t worry about when I am going to die…but it very well could happen soon…

You See, today I almost tasted death. I am still frightened as I write these very words that my life is at a near end. All the many times people have told me about “Carpe Diem,” the philosophy that entertains the idea that we all need to live life out to the fullest, is a way that I am quickly holding on to, for I do not know how long I have to live.

It was just today Rogozhin attempted to stab me in the hall of the my hotel, but the I was saved due to a fortunate sudden epileptic fit. This fit saved my life, I am forever thankful for it. Somehow, I think this “illness,” is backfiring on me, and doing greater things in my life than good. People have always considered me, “The Idiot,” yet somewhere deep inside me, I know that there is more than that which meets the eye. If you really knew who I was, you would know I am a dreamer, thinker, philosopher, kind, caring, compassionate, and most of all…. A simple man. People take my simple attitude and attribute it to my illness or “Idiocy.” To heck with that, if people sit down and actually talk or get to know me… they soon understand my true personality.

It’s funny how one can compare himself to people when reading a book. I find that there is a character named Matt Galvin in this book I am reading that strikes me in that we are very similar. This is the reason why I am so fascinated by this book I am reading, The Life of Matt Galvin, because Matt would do things that I would do. Like Matt would definitely call out, “your utter perfection” to Nastyassa, because that’s just who he is, he calls things out the way they are, similar to me. We both dream, and philosophize, and have no desire to study the things of the world that are so structured, with a roof attached. Deep inside we desire an inner freedom, a freedom that cannot be attained through usual means. I’m talking means of going and being in nature, escaping to the world filled with wonder, studying life at it’s simplest, yet being able to produce great detail and comment, and description on it. You see, I am a romantic...

All is well (if I can make it through this near death!)

Signed, Lev Nikolayevich Myshkin