The End Is Near

Journal 6: The End is Near

I thought it would be appropriate to put in my favorite album cover by Death Cab For cutie. This album cover embody's everything that has been going around me... that is nothing but death, and that which needs to be buried and forgotten throughout all the ages.

Today, everything seemed clear to me. Yet it turned out to be the complete opposite.

Let me explain.

So I thought I had things all figured out. Nastyassa was the one. Well never-mind that. A new girl came into my horizons… Aglaya Yepaninch.

I had been making more frequent visits over to the Generals house ever since I had gotten back from my 6 month chase after Nastyassa. I had been pretty down at the time so I figured some company might help, and the Yepaninch’s had always been so hospitable and nice to me I thought that a visit to there house more often wouldn’t hurt things. So I began to go over to their house more and more, getting to know the family (even Ganya..who I had recently struck closer acquaintance with!!!) and discovered something new… In the form of a beautiful girl named Aglaya. She was a hard one to deal with however, high-strung, and never generally mentioned me or showed much interest. It was with much effort though that I slowly began to work in her life. The family started to accept me as a man suitable for her… They even threw a party for us.

Sadly though the party was a disaster. Many of the St. Petersburg nobility was there and they had all thought well upon the relationship until one certain attribute of mine showed up again: MY ILLNESS!!!!

Of all the times to get a fit, it happened to be at the party… right after I had knocked over a vase. (A most unfortunate series of events if I do say so myself!)

So anyways, the short end of the story is that the people as a whole (including the General’s family,) decided that maybe I was not the right man for a charming girl like Aglaya.

A certain event happened though that changed my luck. I soon found out that Nastyassa had been writing letters to Aglaya, saying that I should marry her. However the day I found this out, another grave situation happened, which I would say was the turning point of everything that has ever happened in Petersburg over these last couple of years… They made me choose.

The two women got together and made me choose. Yeah I said it, THEY MADE ME CHOOSE!!! So the question was, do I trust the feisty, yet original woman who ran away from Rogozhin 3 times? Or do I choose the charming, yet haughty and capricious woman who didn’t really declare her love for me, that belongs to one of the greatest families ever? This was my choice.

Another crazy turn of events happened that truly changed my life forever. I made the utter and fatal mistake of delaying in the decision (I mean come on…it was a life-or death decision!!!!) So during that time, Aglaya decided to run to another man and break off anything we had, and Nastyassa ended up running away with that dang fellow who goes by the name Rogozhin.

But things twisted even worse. That night Nastyassa got stabbed by the **** Rogozhin and died!!!!! My heart burned with deep desire to kill Rogozhin. But I held my inner thoughts from my actions and nothing ever happened.

The only thing that did happen, however, is that my fits decided to show up again, as well as Rogozhin getting 15 years in Siberia (guess he deserved it!)

So at the end of this fiasco, I have ultimately decided to return to my home Switzerland, where my heart lies. For it does not lie with any family, woman, or anyone at the moment. I just need to be alone with nature, where there is peace, quiet and I can regain a sense of will. This is what I need to get better.

If I could say anything now, it would be that I wish people could understand my story, understand that “The Idiot,” they talk about has a sense of genuineness that no one can take away. I am a man that has held fast to my word throughout my time in Petersburg, yet people still don’t quite get me, and understand more of what I stand for.

I guess that’s why they call me the Idiot..they don’t get me..

But the light has been seen, and at the end of the tunnel stands a PRINCE THAT IS DEEPER THAN MOST PEOPLE THINK, AND IS A HERO THAT STANDS IN THE WAY OF A DARK DARK WORLD.

MAY THE WORLD FOREVER KNOW THIS TRUTH!!!

Signed, Lev Nikolayevich Myshkin

Near Taste Of Death

Journal 5: Near Taste of Death

This quote from Shakespeare reminds me that I have a unknown time to live, I shouldn’t worry about when I am going to die…but it very well could happen soon…

You See, today I almost tasted death. I am still frightened as I write these very words that my life is at a near end. All the many times people have told me about “Carpe Diem,” the philosophy that entertains the idea that we all need to live life out to the fullest, is a way that I am quickly holding on to, for I do not know how long I have to live.

It was just today Rogozhin attempted to stab me in the hall of the my hotel, but the I was saved due to a fortunate sudden epileptic fit. This fit saved my life, I am forever thankful for it. Somehow, I think this “illness,” is backfiring on me, and doing greater things in my life than good. People have always considered me, “The Idiot,” yet somewhere deep inside me, I know that there is more than that which meets the eye. If you really knew who I was, you would know I am a dreamer, thinker, philosopher, kind, caring, compassionate, and most of all…. A simple man. People take my simple attitude and attribute it to my illness or “Idiocy.” To heck with that, if people sit down and actually talk or get to know me… they soon understand my true personality.

It’s funny how one can compare himself to people when reading a book. I find that there is a character named Matt Galvin in this book I am reading that strikes me in that we are very similar. This is the reason why I am so fascinated by this book I am reading, The Life of Matt Galvin, because Matt would do things that I would do. Like Matt would definitely call out, “your utter perfection” to Nastyassa, because that’s just who he is, he calls things out the way they are, similar to me. We both dream, and philosophize, and have no desire to study the things of the world that are so structured, with a roof attached. Deep inside we desire an inner freedom, a freedom that cannot be attained through usual means. I’m talking means of going and being in nature, escaping to the world filled with wonder, studying life at it’s simplest, yet being able to produce great detail and comment, and description on it. You see, I am a romantic...

All is well (if I can make it through this near death!)

Signed, Lev Nikolayevich Myshkin

Returning To Petersburg (And Blogging Again!)

Journal 4: Return To Petersburg: Chasing-

Today, I returned from a 6 month search for my love. I followed Nastyassa for 6 months, trying and pleading her to be with me. That’s why I havent blogged for 6 months….

To no avail.

I learned that after the tumultuous party, Rogozhin and his friends had a week-long orgy. Talk about disgusting…. I hate that man. Anyways, so Nastyassa decided to heck with this- I’m going to Moscow and soon left Rogozhin. I, when learning this, went with godspeed to Moscow. But so did Rogozhin. He got to her first, and pleaded with her to marry him. She did and then ran off!!!! Imagine that. In the meantime, I was busy connecting with the Yepanchin’s friends who had become quite enchanted by me. They told the Yepanchin’s about my recent acquaintance with them and that pleased the General very much, however I learned he had forbidden his family to speak about me until I wrote them back. As for the Ivolgins, a lot changed in their household in these six months. Varya married Ptitsyn. Nina Alexandrovna and Ganya moved to Ptitsyn's house with Varya. General Ivolgin was put in debtor's prison, largely due to the efforts of his mistress, the widow of Captain Terentyev. Nina Alexandrovna secretly visited him in prison. Kolya became friends with the Yepanchins, and the only member of that family who did not like him was Aglaya. One day Kolya brought Aglaya a letter from Myshkin in which the prince merely asked her how she was doing and said he wished for her happiness. The Yepanchins left for their summer residence in Pavlovsk, a small town near St. Petersburg.
But basically all that to say, my chase was a failure.

I also tried to get what I thought was going to be my million ruble fortune, however that didn’t work. I got much smaller than I thought. Plus I had to pay all these people off. Turns out, a lot of those people I had to “Pay off” were fakes… Didn’t make me so happy. Anyways I am still sick over Nastyassa. I wish she was in my life…


Signed, Lev Nikolayevich Myshkin

Worst Party of My Life-

Journal 3: Worst Party Ever



Have you ever seen 500 days of summer? well ya know Tom Hanson's infatuation with summer? Yeah thats me....

I HATE NASTYASSA FILIPPOVNA

Today was one of the most outrageous, ridiculous, unreal, days. I AM AT A LOSS FOR WORDS. MY HEART HAS SUNKEN TO THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN. For tonight, I expressed my true love for Nastyassa. However, the scene was not so one- sided as it seems. There was explanations all across the boards, many hearts were torn, and everything turned into a disaster.

Let me explain properly. So I somehow managed to make it to the party by chance, without invitation, (thank god I was let in,) and made it into Nastyassa’s house. You see, I was on a misson..that is- to tell Nastyassa not to marry Ganya because Ganya was deceiving her for the 75,000 rubles that was promised to him from Totsky. But of course, I completely messed everything up. As soon as I was greeted, it told her that she was utter perfection. (which is no lie, however, seemed as my mission was of something else). Anyways, Ferdyshchenko wanted everyone to play the game where everyone gathered around and shared with each other what the worst thing they did was. Only Nastyassa seemed to approve of this game (probably because the girls were excluded due to chivalry… nevertheless… the game proceeded. So the general goes on to share his usual and then Totsky countered this evil game by sharing a story that seemed to be evil, however turned out to be quite noble, concerning Camelia flowers and love. Nastyassa was so captivated by this speech that she turned to me all the sudden and asked, “should I marry Ganya?” I was appalled by this stunning, and intense question. She just sort of threw it out there like it was a game of roulette, but this game consisted of playing high stakes and defined the rest of her life. I of course told her the truth: She shouldn’t marry Ganya.

And then, to add to the chaotic scene even more, Rogozhin came booming in, and like he promised…..had the 100,000!!!!

No one would of believed beforehand that Rogozhin would have come in with the 100k but he did. Then Nastyassa called out Ganya, saying that he was never in love with her, just after the 75,000. My heart was beaming, I was so happy, yet I didn’t know what was going to happen next.

Another audible was called. The audacious Ferdyshchenko then told Nastyassa that I….of all people…should marry her!!!! I really don’t know what was going through my head at the time… I wanted her so badly at that moment that I wanted to scream it from the top of my lungs from the tallest mountain so that the whole world could hear.

So that’s exactly what I did.

I proposed, as a matter of fact, to the woman of my dreams.

She initially accepted, then devilishly turned on me…to that ******** Rogozhin. I cannot describe to you the loss I feel… For Nasta is going away with that man… For the first time in my life in a long time I feel immense pain, a weight has been fastened on to me…
I must go after her… I must get her back.

All is not well,

Signed, Lev Nikolayevich Myshkin

Battles of Love

Journal 2: The Battle of Love

Today I roamed the streets of Petersburg, finding pleasure in the city and soon returned to where I was staying around supper. I had given in to the General’s request of staying at Ganya’s place, the overly-vain, stuck up, conceited, aid to General Yepanchin. As I made my way to the room, Ganya’s father, General Ivolgin approched me, began to question me and even told me bogus stories about him and my father. As I deftly combated them off, I came downstairs only to overhear a frightening conversation between Ganya and his family. Ganya’s family, (especially Varya,) disliked the potential of Ganya and Nastassya Filippovna. But the real chaos happened when Nastassya came bursting in the door. She thought I was a servant, and ordered me to announce her arrival!!! Little did she know that I was a prince. So I got up, and announced her, and boy what a scene it was. As soon as the cloud of awkwardness vanished, General Ivolgin began with his usual stories, and again, told stories filled with lies. It was rather hard to watch such a scene, as it is difficult for me to even record such matters. Anyways the scene was chaos, because as soon as Nastassya embarrassed the General, Rogozhin, of all people showed up! He asked Nastyassa if she was going to marry Ganya who then replied she was not! Ganya was furious at that time, he stormed and raved, and yet never said a word during this whole outbreak. Rogozhin continued even further…and tried to bargin for Nastyassa by putting 18,000 ruples on the table, which turned to be a promise of 40,000 total later, and ultimately raised the amount to 100,000! The whole room was nearly shaking when these words were gasped! As bad as I feel for Ganya, I really think the whole scene was good for him. I mean he learned that if he wants to play the money game, there is always someone else that can join him too. An important lesson was learned about Rogozhin too, for I understood for the first time that although Rogozhin was a loud-talking, drunk, and a bum, he could come through with his promises, which will be interesting to see if that plays out with his relationship with Nastyassa. Seems like tides are starting to turn for several people. The whole aristocratic society of Petersburg seems to know what is going on. Not sure how this will all work out. I must admit, I think Nastyassa is one of the most beautiful ladies in the whole world, I just don’t know whether to admit anything and put myself in this whole mess. As for now, its just journal that will see these words uttered.

Conclusions, My love for Nastyassa has grown, I see her more as a lover than friend, Ganya might go insane, Rogozhin is one cheeky, sly fellow who can successfully pry his way into things, General Ivolgin talks way too much (and lies!)

All is well,

Signed, Lev Nikolayevich Myshkin

Arrival In Petersburg

Journal 1: My Arrival in Petersburg

Today had many surprises and excitements, to say the least. From the moment that I hopped on the train headed to Russia from Switzerland, my day in hindsight seemed like a complete blur. On the train, in attempt to meet my distant relatives, the Yepanchin’s, I ran into the most curious of fellows named Rogozhin. We discussed many unusual things, as a supposed “light” conversation turned into one of great magnitude. We conversed over Rogozhin’s inheritance and his deep love for Nastassya Filippovna. Just hearing about her makes me want to get to know this woman, for I can already tell this “dark haired” fireball would be someone of great interest to me. Perhaps Rogozhin will take me to her house one day so I can make acquaintance with this beautiful yet mysterious woman. So after a most unlikely banter with Rogozhin, the scraggly looking eir to 2 and a half million rupes, I headed out the train to try to find the Yepanchin’s house. I soon arrived there, only to find a servant who wanted me to go to the waiting room. I gave him a simple no and briefly began a bowl of my pipe, only to soon get into a very facinating conversation about the concept of capital punishment. I gave him a description of my horrible time in France, comparing the man knowing he was going to die on the merciless guillotine in contrast the man killed by thieves, who goes into life not knowing his life would end in five minutes. This I pondered deeply.

I soon ran into the general who didn’t give me a piece of mind, excepting my calligraphy skills, in which I wrote, “The humble Pafnuty here sets his hand to it.” Surprisingly, the general loved it, and considered giving me a job worth 25 rouples a month. It’s not the rouples I desire, I just was happy to be accepted by someone and considered of worth. All my life people have called me “The Idiot,” due to my illness and lack of studies associated by having this severe and rare problem. One thing is for certain, I for sure disliked the clerk Ganya, he had a strange countenance about him. Perhaps I shall run into him oneday and we shall be friends..ha I daresay I hope to never see him again, however he did ask if I wanted to live at his house.. an offer that I am much bothered by.

Conclusions, today was good, glad I got to meet my relations the Yepanchin’s, disliked Ganya, and I feel at peace with my relatives. All is good, hopefully Rogozhin doesn’t get mad that I am staying with the fool Ganya.

All is well,

Signed, Lev Nikolayevich Myshkin